Why I could never be a movie reviewer

There was a time when I would see practically every movie that was released. Whether they were good or bad, or so nondescript that they might not ever be viewed again, I paid my for matinee ticket and went to the cinema.

If you see a lot of film, you start thinking that "Hey, maybe I could write movie reviews." I thought that, but never acted on it. Now, I'm glad I didn't.

Here are my reasons why:

1) Most movies just aren't very good. They have about as much value as the typical television show. They aren't worth the time for the reviewer or the filmgoer.

2) Movies that are considered "good" usually, these days, contain strong imagery that sledgehammers you over the head with its goodness.

3) Escapist comedies always run the risk of containing some form of scatalogical humor, which I detest and which, unfortunately, lingers in my memory for the rest of my life. I'll never forgive the makers of Ladies Man, for example.

4) Obviously, a reviewer has to spend time at the cinema, subjecting him or herself to the law of bad movie averages and then he or she has to come up with a coherent review of a likely incoherent movie. Or even worse, come up with something to say about a so-so movie.

I can't subject myself to gross out humor, or tense situations involving a gun and the potential for graphic violence. I can't separate myself from realistically cruel depictions of life, such as movies regarding the Holocaust.

While horror movies used to be my thing, today I find them tedious. There scares come from very loud noises and things jumping out from the dark. I just don't feel like sitting through these things, watching characters make very stupid choices.

And, we should probably not talk about the stupid choices made in so-called chick flicks. Sometimes two stupid people deserve each other. These types of movies provide the fantasy situation where it actually happens. Typically, these people wind up in terrible relationships and marriages with mismatched partners. If we're lucky, we too can find someone stupid enough to love us. I don't need these types of movies.

Wow, this post has a decidedly negative vibe. Let me remedy that. But first, a quick restatement of this post's purpose: I couldn't be a movie reviewer because I cannot tolerate the thought of subjecting myself to movies that will likely be uninteresting and valueless at best or contain images that will be indelibly stamped in my psyche at worst.

Now the upbeat part: I am so appreciative of the fact that there are people who review movies. They reduce my risk and save my money with their takes on film. Thank you, movie critics.

Plus, I love movies. Even the ones that make me uncomfortable, I can still appreciate for the artistry and effort that went into making them.

Those movies that I love make it all worthwhile. I like making lists and ranking things. I love a lot of movies and if I had to make a Top 10 list it would change depending on the season, my mood, and my current interests. Here's a look at what it might be today, in no particular order:

1) All About Eve
2) Patton
3) Glory (probably a consistent Top 10 for me)
4) Singin' in the Rain (except that silly dance daydream sequence...sheesh)
5) The Sixth Sense
6) Evil Dead 2 (probably another regular Top 10)
7) Blade Runner (this one, too, would be a regular on this list)
8) The Princess Bride (and this one...maybe I could make a Top 10)
9) Little Miss Sunshine
10) Once Upon a Time in the West (if Henry Fonda is the bad guy, it has to be interesting, if not good)

What movies do you like? Whose your most trusted movie reviewer? I trust, but don't always agree with, Roger Ebert, as I have for going on 30 years.